


Never Hot

by cheshirecat_smile



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Chickenpets, Inspired by Pacify, M/M, Pacify AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25411456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheshirecat_smile/pseuds/cheshirecat_smile
Summary: “Jesus, Severus. You are so-hot”...“‘Hot?’” Severus asked… “What nonsense.”“Not n-nonsense,” …“Well, I’ve heard terrifying, vindictive, and petty… I’ve heard greasy git, Deatheater scum-… Back-stabbing coward. Deviant. Traitor. Killer. Sadist. Never ‘hot.’”- Pacify 5.4 Day One and 5.5 The Legacy by ChickenpetsA series of snapshots around some of the darker thoughts that Severus has, when Harry isn’t available to tell him how wrong he is(Contains spoilers for Pacify Part 5, and Pacify Interlude: No Time To Need)
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 12
Kudos: 91
Collections: Pacify Fan-Works: Fanfics for a Fanfic





	Never Hot

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pacify Part 5: Safety](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24507556) by [Chickenpets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chickenpets/pseuds/Chickenpets). 



As Severus walks past the mirror, he notices that his hair is getting longer. He should cut it, as if it gets any longer it will start getting in his way while he’s brewing. Falling forwards to block his view of the cauldron. Or getting dangerously close to falling into the potion as he peers closer to inspect the colour or consistency of the result. He would rather cut his hair much shorter, and have more time to let it grow out more between cuts, but he had been told on numerous occasions that long hair suits him. He imagines that’s because his long hair can he used to cover a large amount of his facial features, which can only be an improvement.  
Severus does not spent a lot of time studying his reflection, which shouldn’t come as a surprise, but the hair cutting charm he uses can be dangerous if you do not watch what you are doing as you cast it. The scar he has on his neck just under his ear can attest to that. It narrowly missed an artery. So he recognises the need to look in the mirror for this at least, and turns to face his reflection.  
He is ugly. There’s no point in denying it. Enough people have pointed it out over the years; his mother, his school acquaintances, the marauders, and of course Regulus Black. Not that all of them had said it outright of course. But Severus is nothing if not good at reading between the lines. And he had translated their comments. Lucius suggested in his second year that he would look less like a blood-traitor if he would grow his hair to his shoulders. Severus knew what his friend had meant, and appreciated his tact in not saying it directly. And since that moment he had kept his hair long.  
And over the years Severus had accepted the fact that he would never be considered attractive. And with this acceptance came a disinterest in attempting to maintain societal beauty standards. What does it matter if his hair falls in greasy clumps around his face, he isn’t exactly worth looking at as it is. And why bother with teeth whitening charms, they would hardly improve matters. And there were better things he could do with his time.  
Over his years as a professor of Hogwarts the whispers that followed him reaffirmed his beliefs. A greasy overgrown bat they called him behind his back, as if it was something he had never heard before, as if the truth would offend him. The truth didn’t hurt him because he had made his peace with it before the children were even born.  
So when Harry started accosting him late at night in Grimmauld Place, Severus was under no delusions. The boy does not desire him, for how could he. No, the boy wants what Severus can give him. What only Severus can give him. He wants to be hurt, to be pinned down, to be made to forget. And if the boy responds to that well it has nothing to do with Severus. It’s just that Harry is a teenager, and responding like that is what they do. It’s due to his hormones, not Severus.  
And as Severus lifts his wand to preform the hair cutting charm, he can’t help thinking for a moment if Harry would prefer him with longer hair. But he pushes that thought away immediately, for he knew better than to start thinking along those lines. No one will ever appreciate Severus for his looks, especially not someone as breathtakingly beautiful as Harry Potter.  
Severus preforms the cutting charm with an ease perfected from years of practice, and sweeps out of the room. 

* * *

Severus wakes up in the middle of the night, with his legs tangled around Harry’s and his bladder reminding him that it had been quite a while since he has last used the loo.  
He quietly proceeds with the task of disengaging himself from the boy, and creeps to the bathroom to relieve himself. On his way, his gaze catches the moonlight reflecting off the bent and twisted frames of Harry’s glasses. And realises he should fix them, so they would be mended before Harry wakes up, he had promised after all.  
He cast a whispered Reparo charm and gentle floats the glasses to the bedside table, so Harry could find them in the morning.  
He is lucky in a sense, he thinks, as he continues on his way to the bathroom, that the boy is so short-sighted. It means that his glasses can be easily removed. That he doesn’t have to look the details of his professors face as he is fucked. Regulus had been insistent on utilising positions that had then facing away from each other. Which had meant that Severus was unable to see Regulus’ expressions either. Semi-blindness was a more preferable solution to the problem, as it did not leave Severus unable to see Harry.  
Finishing up the loo, he takes a minute to study his reflection in the mirror as he washes his hands. It was no wonder that Harry would rather not look at him. It’s one thing to engage in a sexual relationship with a man as unattractive as Severus, but it was another to have to stare his nose as he began his first sexual explorations.  
That said, the first time that Harry had taken his glasses off before initiating a kiss had hurt him more than he had expected it to. Not that he had let his reaction show. Harry was still exploring the physical side of his first relationship, and it wouldn’t be fair to burden him with an old man’s problems, so he had hidden his feelings. But being so sharply reminded that no one wished to see his face in clear detail during sex had not been pleasant. It was not unexpected, or unusual, but he had felt hurt in a way that he hadn’t since his youth. He thought he had built his armour strong enough to be unaffected by now, but Harry had always been able to affect him in ways that others couldn’t.  
So Severus had vowed to always be the one to remove the boys glasses, it is less painful for him that way. And if he took some of his frustrations out on the frames as he did it, well, did it really cause any harm?  
Severus dries his hands and begins to quietly make his way back to bed. His time with Harry is doomed to be short, and he’d like to make the most of it while he can. Even without Dumbledore’s new information, it can’t be too long before the boy decides that he would rather be with anyone else. 

* * *

Stepping out of the shower Severus reaches for a towel and sees a familiar glint of silver decorating his arm.  
There was probably little point in continuing to wear it at this stage; there was not much chance of Harry sending a message after such a long silence. But Severus had decided to keep it on, so that if the young man did communicate with him he would be aware of it immediately.  
Severus finds he can’t blame Harry for not messaging him. Aside from the complications of fighting a war, and having to maintain the story that they were on opposite sides, there was whatever mission the young man was currently on, that was probable taking up a lot of his time. That was enough reason for Harry to have decided he couldn’t focus on a relationship right now.  
And Harry had probably also realised that there was little point in continuing a relationship with Severus when they weren’t able to see each other. The distance between them means that Severus is no longer able to give the young man what he needs.  
So with that in mind what reason would Harry have to message him. He’s a greasy old man. And Harry is Harry. Severus struggles to drag his mind away from that topic before he starts waxing poetic and tearing holes in this Occlumency. He doesn’t have time to fix his mind right now.  
Instead he moves to the mirror and begins towelling himself dry. As he does he catches glimpses of his reflection. He sees sallow skin, and ageing scars and the hint of bones beneath his skin, and thinks that Harry is probably glad to be shot of him.  
For if Harry wasn’t willing to continue their relationship from a distance, then they would never be together again. Severus recognised that he himself was unlikely to survive the war, and Harry- Well Dumbledore had made Harry’s fate clear. There would be no after the war for them.  
No, Severus had had his year with Harry, and he tries to convince himself that it was enough. 

* * *

Severus had been wrong. He was never as glad to be wrong as he was about this. Harry was talking to him.  
It wasn’t much of a conversation, but Severus had lost all hope that he would have even this much. So he would take what he could get. And if the young man is willing to respond to messages sent through the bracelets, then Severus is going to continue to send them for as often as he can.  
But Severus is also aware that the young man could change his mind at any moment, and feels that he is walking on eggshells doing everything he can to ensure that he doesn’t push Harry away.  
And so he won’t push. Harry had been the one to goad Severus into expanding the boundaries of their relationship the first time. So Severus would wait for him to do it again.  
If that is in fact what Harry wants from him this time. After all, it is highly likely that that isn’t what Harry is looking for at all.  
It would be remiss of Severus not to consider the circumstances around the rekindling of their relationship. It is entirely possible that Harry had realised that talking to Severus through the bracelets would decrease the chances that himself and his cohorts would starve before they complete their mission. Severus had to acknowledge that the communication had only been restarted after he had left food for the trio.  
But that is fine. If Harry wants to exchange messages for food, then Severus will continue to provide food every couple of days for as long as he can. It isn’t a difficult thing to manage. And well, it had the added benefit of him being able to see Harry. He honestly hadn’t believed that he would get such an opportunity to do so again.  
The full implications of that idea suddenly hit Severus, and he realises that he looks worse than usual. There’s no way Harry will want to see him looking like this. He enters the bathroom to critically examine his reflection in the mirror. The stress of maintaining his cover had done little to improve his appearance. His eyes are outlined with black shadows due to lack of sleep, a sharp contrast to his pale skin, which was appearing paler than it had previously. And the stress has negatively impacted his eating habits, which is causing his bones to protrude slightly more than usual.  
He fears that Harry might decide that he doesn’t want to see Severus at all while he looks like this. Severus decides to make an effort to improve his appearance, in whatever way possible, in the hopes that Harry wouldn’t use that as a reason to stop calling him. Merlin knows the young man has enough reasons not to want Severus in his tent. 

* * *

Severus usually uses his time getting ready for bed as chance to process the day. And this is a routine he has come to rely on hugely this year. He would have cracked months ago without this daily chance to breathe. And he has spent the last couple of hours looking forward to this moment more then he had in months.  
For earlier today while checking Draco’s Occlumency was in order, Severus had discovered something that happened a few weeks ago. And that thought was too dangerous to think where people might see, or when he could be summoned to The Dark Lord at any second. But here, in this moment of quiet Severus could examine it in private.  
Draco Malfoy had wanked on his couch.  
That is really more information about his student than he wished to know. But there was little he could do about it now. He can’t fault the boy, really. He is under extreme amounts of pressure, and was simply looking for stress relief in wherever he could find it. Nothing unusual about that, especially for a hormonal teen-aged boy.  
It was the subject of the boy’s fantasy that Severus had found disturbing. The thoughts that had run through his head while he masturbated lying on his sofa.  
He had pictured Severus and Harry. The fact that he had pictured Harry was not surprising in the least. Harry was extremely attractive, and probably the centre of many sexual fantasies, although it would make him uncomfortable to know that.  
But to include Severus in that scene, well that was lunacy. Using a mental picture of The Greasy Bat as a masturbatory aid was unthinkable. It must be the stress of the war affecting him in unforeseen ways.  
Although, there is another potential reason for Severus’ presence in the boy’s head. It may be related to the role that they are force to play. Perhaps finding himself near continuously sporting bruises or other marks had piqued his interest in certain elements of sex.  
And the fact that Severus has a relationship of this sort with the subject of Draco’s fantasies had to have left the boy confused.  
That would certainly account for Severus’ presence in Draco’s imagination, and also for the reasonable reenactment of how rough Harry and Severus could be together. Draco is merely confused by new ideas that have been forced upon him. And is coming to terms with how he feels about them while masturbating on Severus’ couch. Perfectly natural.  
The only problem with that logic was how clearly Draco had imagined Severus. How clearly Draco had pictured every detail on his face. How much effort the boy had gone through to create a mental image of Severus' naked body, that was a realistic as possible based on what little he had seen of it. Draco had never seen Severus without his clothes, and his imagination lacked the most harsher details of reality.Yet, the effort he had put into the recreation was commendable. Or it would be if it wasn’t so strange.  
There was no reason Draco Malfoy should be picturing his face and body while he was masturbating.  
He pauses in the process of brushing his teeth to study his face, attempting to find what Draco had seen it it to make him desire it. But there was nothing to explain it. It was still the same unattractive face he had attempted to hid for years.  
He could only assume that it was unexplainable; that it was entirely to do with teenage hormones and the stresses of war which had addled the boy’s brain. 

* * *

‘Hot’, Harry had called him ‘hot’. Which was why Severus is standing, studying his reflection in the mirror, while his younger lover sleeps in the other room.  
At first his reaction had not been pleasant. He had managed to keep the hurt off his face and hidden from Harry. But he had been hurt.  
He had assumed the man had been teasing, for Harry didn’t have in him to be that cruel, not intentionally. So Harry must have been attempting lighthearted teasing, that he didn’t realise would affect Severus as it had. The explanation had seemed reasonable at the time.  
But Harry had continued to refer to him as hot. And Severus had thought he’d understood. Harry was attracted to his voice, and turned on by what Severus could do to him. That was more understandable. He wasn’t basing his assessment on Severus’ appearance. And Severus had been thrilled with that. It was more than his previous lovers had thought, and he had been flooded by a rush of affection for the young man underneath him.  
But then Harry had continued to speak about the reasons behind his choice of adjective, and Severus began to think that he had misunderstood. Harry had mentioned that he had found Severus attractive in the duelling club, when “standing over that ponce like the angel of death”, but also when they made eye contact, and during Occlumency lessons.  
Perhaps the man does not find him attractive in spite of his physical appearance, but rather because of it.  
And so Severus is here, in the bathroom, trying to see what Harry could possibly see when he looks at him. But he is failing; the only thing he sees in the mirror is pale skin and a too large nose.  
But Harry had claimed to find him attractive. Harry is good at doing the impossible, isn’t he. Surviving against impossible odds time and time again; conjuring chess pieces from nothing; levelling the shrieking shack. Maybe this is just another testament to Harry’s abilities; seeing someone as hot when everyone else saw ugly.  
Yet, was that true? Or was their someone else who had been able to see that in Severus? Draco had certainly paid a lot of attention to his fantasy of Severus during that incident on the sofa. If Harry was capable of seeing that Severus was someone attractive, it was possible that Draco was too. It would explain the level of detail he had seen in that particular memory.  
And if two completely different people were both able to view Severus as hot, it was possible that it is Severus’ perception of the matter that was skewed. After all, Regulus had never called Severus unattractive. And when Lucius had commented on his hair, he may not have meant what Severus had assumed he meant. It is possible that Severus had convinced himself that that was what they had meant through metal gymnastics.  
Not that it particularly matters what two dead men thought of him. What matters is that Severus has a very much alive lover in his bed, who is capable of seeing him in such a light. And even if Severus may never be able to see it himself, he could begin to accept that Harry sees it.


End file.
